‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
You Might Also Like
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
asking santa clause for nudes
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”