Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
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DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
this is what they would have looked like, though
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe