@jazmasta: *gives ex wife's next door neighbour a drum kit for Christmas*
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@michaeldean0116: If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader.......
@moneebthinks: Me: Another one, barkeep! I'm not driving! Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
@peachesanscream: Doctor: "You have a blockage in your small & large intestine" Barista: … Barista: … Doctor: *Sigh* "Ok, Tall & Venti intestine."