Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
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DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
much to think about
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Extremely relatable.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]