I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
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mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Cat is stressing him out.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
3% human
97% stress
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.