Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
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My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.