Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
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‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Cake!!
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.