*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
You Might Also Like
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Breaking news:
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
sigh
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’