*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
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I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or