*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
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Horrifying if literal: armchairs
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
doing some research
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.