*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
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Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually