*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
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Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?