@fillthevacuum: *gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
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@FatherWithTwins: Some Olympians have been training since they were 5. I'm hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
@Sean_Burgundy_: Imagine how much faster Olympic sprinters could run if they saw their wives going through their phones at the finish line
@JustDontBugMe: [god creating raccoons] God: Make a giant squirrel that's dressed like a burglar and greedy af. Angel: But... God: Just do it.
@miniwheats2012: The scary moment when the person you just watched sneeze in their hand wants to shake your hand