*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
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*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.