@fillthevacuum: *gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
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@JimmerThatisAll: It's raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
@daemonic3: [starbucks] One tall iced latte please "Ok, can I have a name?" Well ok but it really should come from your parents
@SaltyCorpse: When I was in college I had all these philosophical questions. Now I just want to know how these kids got toothpaste under the toilet seat.
@AmericanGent69: Wife: I think my husband is spying on me. Friend: You're probably overreacting. Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?