[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
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How I’d get arrested…
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
They’re stuck in your pants?
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”