I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
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If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.