That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
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I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
This guy’s not having it 😆
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.