I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
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I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.