Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
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Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
My Guy
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.