[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
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[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Not all heroes wear capes.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Some people were born into their job.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.