[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
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<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.