[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
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Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
and this one
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much