Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
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What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
he was correct
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due