[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
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I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
January is lasting longer than my marriage
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.