@Brianhopecomedy: Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
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@noog: God: Don't eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead [20 min later] Adam: Sooo hungry Eve: Me too Adam: That apple looks good
@goldengateblond: Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
@XplodingUnicorn: [terrible nursing home] Old guy: How did you end up here? Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs. Him: *gasps* You monster.