@Brianhopecomedy: Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
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@KimmyMonte: [walks into aquarium] me: hi can I just use your bathroom? employee: sorry it's for patrons only me: ok fine I'll take four sharks
@BackrowSeats: Burger King's slogan "Have It Your Way" was shortened from "Are You Sure You Wanna Eat This? Ok. Have It Your Way".
@holypurgatory: A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
@goldengateblond: Kids today don't know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.