Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
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DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.