Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
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Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
#NeverForget
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Dietest Coke
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy