@QwertyJones3: Giving people the finger while driving just isn't effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
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@DrDogMD: NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day! DR DOG: You're joking, right?
@TheDailySchmuck: People have underestimated me my entire life, and they've been wrong on like two of those days.
@cbdoubleu: Jeopardy] Alex: This floats your boat. Me [buzzing in]: What is buoyancy? Alex: I'm sorry. The answer we were looking for is, Whatever.
@TheMichaelRock: Coworker: What's your phone number? *looks up from phone* Me: I don't have a phone. *looks down at phone* Coworker....