Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
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There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
No laws when master is gone
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
being a writer on Twitter:
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?