@TheCatWhisprer: Giving somebody a greeting card is the most festive way to deposit $5 into their trashcan.
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@Rollinintheseat: Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you're making.
@trojansauce: [titanic] SAILER: but captain there's an ice berg right ahead CAPTAIN WHO LOOKS SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE A SHARK: i said straight ahead
@KatieKatCubs: My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he's my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.