@PaperWash: Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say "I love you" and "I hate you" at the same time
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@ColoChiver: Scared the mailman today by going to the door completely naked. Not sure what scared him more, my naked body or that I knew where he lived.
@dafloydsta: [first date] HER: I like a man who's well-informed. ME: [trying to impress] The couple at the next table are getting a divorce.
@blimeyguvnor: I got the lyrics wrong and partied like it's 1599. Now my kitchen smells like roast peacock and I can't get this horse off my couch