@PaperWash: Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say "I love you" and "I hate you" at the same time
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@OhNoSheTwitnt: On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
@DaddyJew: Parent: my child's reading at a 3rd grade level, what reading level is your son at? Me: he knows some curse words but not all of them yet
@detroit_et: Girl on Facebook Heyy i have not seen u since high school. Me. It's been a while. Her. Yea been married 6 years now : ) Me. Unfriend
@BlazedDonuts: The Walking Dead reminds you that other people would still be your biggest problem even if most of them died.