@PaperWash: Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say "I love you" and "I hate you" at the same time
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@thatdutchperson: Me: yeah, I'm not going to make it in today. Boss:of course, this snow is crazy. Me: Snow?
@LindseyEllison2: I want to pick up a hitchhiker before I die. Not like right before I die, but you know.
@iwearaonesie: 9*picking his nose* wife:Get your finger out of your nose! me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
@BlindVigil: *Farmer walks into job application Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn't have a computer. Employer: BOOM! Tech support!