*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
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They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
OKAY DAD
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Denise please return my vape pen
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.