[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
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Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Always…
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.