I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
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Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites