Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
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You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
TODAY
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”