@WilliamAder: Glad I'm not a general, because auto-correct just changed "lunch order" to "launch order."
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@Donnie_Fairburn: 911: What's your emergency? Me: I brought a girl home last night 911: That's not an- Me: NOW SHE WON'T LEAVE! *swat team busts down my door*
@nbadag: *mob meeting* ayo new guy—who're you? "they call me the butcher" oh yea? why's that, butch? *smacks him with a pork loin* "no reason"
@itsthatAsh: Commas are the coolest punctuation, because they're like "Yeah, you haven't got time to stop, but you can chill for a little bit."
@lurve_meh: They say kill 'em with kindness but it's much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.