Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
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man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Siri: Retweet me.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle