Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
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For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor