@SortaBad: Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn't want someone to hack in and...pay my insurance bill
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@david8hughes: [ouija board] "Spirits are u there? I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T? [squints] "A needy board?"
@NEthingButWork: Unpopular Star Wars theory: R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won't stop cussing
@girlontapas: How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but... Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
@XplodingUnicorn: My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk. Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.