@SortaBad: Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn't want someone to hack in and...pay my insurance bill
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@RegularFred: Man dies after body rejects sleeveless Metallica shirt because he didn't have a barbed wire tattoo.
@LifeUnPinterest: *Texting* HIM: Do you have any snacks? ME: In my panty. H: Lol, you misspelled "pantry." M: Nope.
@bridger_w: If you're pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
@NoTheOtherJohn: I can really relate to eminem in "8 mile" because my moms spaghetti is really bad too