Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
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BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop