Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
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Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.