My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
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My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
so weird how every mom was born today
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.