Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
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Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
welp
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps