*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
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NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.