Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
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My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”