[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
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I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?