Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
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“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’