Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
You Might Also Like
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..