Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
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*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
I can fix him.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
🤣😂
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge