Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
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me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.