It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
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My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Love this one 😂🧟
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Eggs benadryl my favourite
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand