Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
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Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
She was REALLY feeling it.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF