Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
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The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.