Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
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me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what