“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
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me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
step 6: release the wall snake
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Introverted vegans go meetless
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass