@LnL245: Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
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@truegritrumble: SPOUSE: No. ME: It’s just a costume. SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
@infamousone96: "I'm single and ready to mingle"..oh god, is this why I'm still single, cuz I say shit like that?
@MikeDrucker: TWITTER USERS: It would be nice if you stopped people making death threats. TWITTER: OK, but what if those death threats could be LONGER?
@Reverend_Scott: Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch? Oscar: Growing up, my parents were- *stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle* CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.