Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
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Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY