@jnrbtsn: Go ahead, judge me. Wait, let me get my bat first. Alright, I'm ready now.
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@Underchilde: My wife told me to strive for perfection, so I divorced her and started dating a swimsuit model.
@TheBoydP: Me: Show me a pan that didn't get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak.. Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
@leechee420: I'm sorry sir, your wife didn't make it. Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook? Yes sir, I'm afraid it was.
@nbadag: ME: here's your bday present! BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won't budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again ME: just open it