It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
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I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Netflix and you sit over there.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin