Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
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This guy gets it.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed