@TastyTuneTweets: Go ahead lady, call the cops. I have witnesses that say your toddler started it.
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@IRLPepperMD: [911 call] IM GETTING EATEN- *pause* Ok one sec. *holds phone away from mouth* Are you an alligator or a crocodile? *pause* Cool. ITS A CRO-
@tomcashgent: Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
@KenJennings: I bet a lot of people have tried that "See you next year!" joke at the end of December but got proven wrong by dying in a DUI.